Lindsey & Fiona’s Guide To Sealing The Deal With Your Man

  1. You know you’re beautiful. He probably thinks you’re just sexy. How you handle this divide in your perceptions will be a big influence on the relationship. Try dressing your best one night and getting your hair and makeup just right. If he says, “You look great!” he’s unimaginative, but sincere. If he comes up with “Wow, you look HOT!” he’s a fool. He will cheat on you with a hotter girl, if he ever meets one. Consider passing him down the line to a convenient frenemy. Ideally, you want to coach him to the point where he recognizes the effort you put into dressing AND acknowledges your looks. (Of course, if he uses the word “HOT!” to describe you when you’re dressed for the beach, or tennis, he’s just normal.)
  2. Decide quickly which level you want for the relationship. There are seven: Chaste Admirer, Romp, Fling, Frequent Companion, Boyfriend, Fiancee and Husband. Never promote a man more than two levels. They get so confused. Sometimes men get ideas about wanting to move up. Be firm. The Romp with the cool Porsche will manage as a Frequent Companion, but will get restless as a Boyfriend. Even if the Frequent Companion reaches Fiancee, he’s so used to being your “buddy” he’ll never become a truly respectful Husband.
  3. Never flirt with his friends. This is a time-honored method that Stupid Women use to punish him for minor misdeeds. It either falls flat or leads to Drama.
  4. Practice your Shut Him Down Glare in front of the mirror. Use the SHDG on the following: friends of your man who want to flirt with you, Dad’s friends who want to flirt with you, your boss who wants to flirt with you and the cop writing a ticket who wants to . . . you get the idea. Soon after you meet a new man, use the SHDG on a third party in his presence. Let him know the horrors that await if he gets out of line
  5. Stupid Women will sometimes get a good-looking friend to make a flirtatious pass at their guy, just to see what he does. If you have to test his loyalty, you already  lost the game.
  6. “Players” and self-designated “Pickup Artists” can be fun to play head games with. Every girl should have send at least one cocky Tucker Max-wannabee storming out of the room muttering about what a twisted, sexually-inadequate bitch you are. As long as he picked up the check first and others witnessed his humiliation, you win. (If he blogs about you, sue him. Ride off on the horse he rode in on.)
  7. If he’s sports-obsessed, nudge him into playing sports more than watching them. This is hard and takes lots of encouragement, so it’s only worth your time with men who are Boyfriend level or above.
  8. You’ll know when he’s broke. You’ll just know. Be kind. (But never lend a man any money. Either they’ll never pay you back, or they will, and then hate you forever.)
  9. You do not have to watch his preferred action/slasher/sports/bro movie. You also do not have to sit and listen to him recap it. Suggest sex as an alternative.
  10. Learn to stop two drinks before your limit. That way, if you take one more, you’ll still be good.
  11. Guys who expect sex on the first date are jackasses, EXCEPT FOR: when you’ve been flirting for months, when you made a date specifically to have sex or when you offer before he asks.
  12. Remember, once you touch HIM, he’ll feel entitled to touch YOU. And men have few limits.
  13. Your Look of Adoring Gratitude is as important as your Shut Him Down Glare, but never give him both in the same hour. This is the kind of thing that has been scientifically shown to drive lab rats insane. He’s not much higher on the food chain, so.
  14. Never say you need to talk about “the relationship.” That makes it sound like you’re trying to control him. Talk about your needs and plans, instead. For example, instead of saying, “Where do you see us in three years?” say, “I figure on getting married within three years.”
  15. There are still some shy guys in the world. If you’ve been hanging out for a month and you can’t tell if he really likes you, give it another month. If you’ve been together a year and you still can’t tell, dump him. (Yet another reason why a girl needs a protective circle of frenemies at all times. BTW, if you live in the Atlanta area, we have the number of a girl named Charlene.)
  16. He didn’t answer your text right away? So what?
  17. Don’t cyberstalk. Unless you’re a reality TV star, it’s beneath your dignity.
  18. Does he have a weird, disturbing habit he won’t break? If so, just remind yourself that you talk to your cat. He thinks that’s weird and disturbing.
  19. Don’t tag along on things he does with his buddies: sports bars, fishing, video game binges, etc. Just make sure he comes to see YOU afterward.
  20. Don’t nag. Lead. And don’t expect any man-makeovers to turn out well, either. Settle for getting him dressed decently.
  21. Ready for a ring? You’ll know when it’s coming. Act surprised, even if his secretary picked it out and sent you a cell-phone photo ahead of time.*

(*Fiona would like you to know that’s not exactly how it happened. Lindsey exaggerates.)